Let’s play a little game. Can you guess what these famous physicists are talking about? (Hint, it’s not ducks.)
Feyman: “If you think you understand it, then you probably don’t.”
Bohr: “Those who are not shocked when they first come upon it, can’t possibly have understood it.”
Einstein: “It makes absolutely no sense!”
That’s right! They’re all talking about the Kwuna ferry schedule.
This past week I was very fortunate to ride the Kwuna ferry as my real-life job had me travelling back and forth to Sandspit all day for the better part of the week.
I gained a deep appreciation for this curious little ship with its rakish list to starboard, moaning hull and never-give-up attitude.
And although the scenery was world-class, the passage fast and pleasant, and the crew helpful and friendly, I did find the schedule… shall we say, less than straightforward.
I am by no means smart, and I admit (with some embarrassment) that I have had trouble with schedules in the past.
But surely, even a simple specimen such as I, a creature of diminutive cerebral endowment and below-par sagacity, should be capable of understanding a BC Ferries schedule? Shouldn’t I?
I sat down and tried to come up with a plan for how I was going to take a 20-minute ferry six times in eight hours. On the surface it seemed simple enough.
But it was a mirage. For there are things at play in that schedule that conspire to thwart one’s plans. Things like “dangerous goods,” “airport traffic” and “fancy red-letter days,” all of which rear their obstructionist heads whenever a clear path to success seems to show.
Kwuna, of course, is comprised of the word “Kwu,” meaning “mind-bendingly difficult to understand” and “na” which means “suck it up fatboy” (which I find a little personal, by the way).
And sure, maybe I’m being hyperbolic, but my goodness, have you seen the Kwuna ferry schedule?! Trying to understand it is akin to translating the Bhagavad Gita into Icelandic while playing speed Tetris upside-down in a mirror! I was unaware a maths PhD was a prerequisite for a daytrip to Moresby island!
The powers that be should re-release Good Will Hunting. Only this time, Matt Damon is working as a janitor at MIT and when he comes across a problem on a chalkboard that asks, “If you want to make three trips to Sandspit on a Wednesday after a long weekend, what sailings do you need to catch?”
So he puts down his mop, starts writing the answer, and all the professors come oooing and aaawing because the problem was supposedly unsolvable.
Damon gets accepted to MIT because he’s hella smart but no one ever really noticed. He leaves south Boston streetlife behind (including his best friend!) and develops an MIT supercomputer that only has one job — come up with a ferry schedule so complex no one can figure it out!
Except the people of Haida Gwaii can figure it out because it’s “who we are!” and it’s “in our blood!” And then Haida Gwaii goes out and defeats communism everywhere and saves the planet! Yeah!
All because of that little ‘ol ferry with the never-give-up attitude, the Kwuna.
P.S. Where the heck did BC Ferries get money for a supercomputer?