Dear Annie,
My daughter-in-law is keeping my grandchildren from me, and I want to be involved in their lives.
She comes from a huge family, and our family is just the three of us (me and my two adult sons). Her family has lots of local cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even a great-grandparent, while we are just the three of us with no extended family on the island or B.C..
My daughter-in-law seems to be constantly hosting her family for dinners and outings, but we never seem to get invited.
We do live at the other end of the island, so it feels like I need to ask for permission to come visit, and most of the time they already have conflicting plans with other family or friends.
I’m feeling really jealous and hurt.
I’ve tried to talk to him about it, and he says I’m overreacting and exaggerating and that I need to “chill out.”
He basically said that if I want to be a part of my grandkids’ lives, I need to accept whatever time they can afford.
They’ve got another baby on the way, and I just want to be involved, but they won’t let me near them. What should I do?
Jealous Gran
Dear Jealous Gran,
Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly. It’s clear how much you love your son and your grandkids, and I understand how difficult it must be to feel left out, especially when family dynamics shift with new partnerings and children.
In British Columbia, it’s important to recognize that grandparents don’t have automatic rights to visitation with their grandchildren. This can be tough to accept, especially when you see your daughter-in-law’s family actively involved.
However, this also presents an opportunity for you to take a gentle approach in rebuilding your relationship with your son. You might consider the following:
Open Communication — Try to have a calm, heartfelt conversation with your son. Express your feelings without placing blame, emphasizing your desire to be part of their lives rather than focusing on what you feel you’re missing.
Show Support — Acknowledge how busy and challenging parenting can be. Offer your help, whether it’s babysitting, bringing meals, or simply being there for emotional support. This could foster a closer bond.
Plan Visits — Suggest specific dates to visit and invite them over. This shows you’re making an effort and can help eliminate feelings of needing to ask for permission.
Respect Boundaries — Understand that your daughter-in-law’s family is also important to them. Find ways to connect without creating competition for their time.
Stay Positive — Focus on the joy your grandkids bring rather than the frustration of feeling excluded. Celebrating the time you do get with them can create a more positive atmosphere.
Building a strong relationship takes time, but by showing understanding and kindness, you can pave the way for more involvement in your grandkids’ lives. I truly hope you find a way to reconnect with your son and create beautiful memories with your grandchildren.
Big hugs,
Annie
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