In light of the current state of the world, I thought it might be fitting to take a more serious tone with this column.
Sometimes, one must lay down the pencil of lightheartedness and frivolity to wield the feathery quill of seriousness and gravitas.
Which is why I would like to talk about something quite dear to my heart and that is, I feel anyway, a topic that could break down the walls of ideological and political polarity and bring people together into a warm, moist hive of empathy, understanding and humility.
I’m talking of course about the Honkilator 9000 Series Deluxe Quadraphonic Silence Eliminator – more commonly known as the massive horn on my truck.
For the few people who humble me by actually reading this column and don’t already know, I am lucky enough to drive a great big commercial truck for work.
It’s a fantastic job that requires a lot of concentration, focus and girth in one’s middle section (for which I am amply suited).
The truck I drive is equipped with the Honkilator 9000 Series Deluxe Quadraphonic Silence Eliminator. It is powered by a 400 goosepower turbocharged honkifier with double-barreled, chrome-alloyed honk tubes.
The primary generator runs on honkahol (commonly known as air) and reaches peak torque at around 1500 hpbs (honks per burritos).
For optimum honkification, I run my honkilator around 20 degrees Honkleus on a closed honk circuit under premium honkditions (around 250 honkytonks).
The Honkilator 9000 Series Deluxe Quadraphonic Silence Eliminator has a range of about 40 honkimeters if adequately goosed, which usually takes a honk ratio of five honks per goose.
But anything less than that will only provide a henk, or quite possibly a hink if the proper honkulations haven’t been done.
Believe me, it can be a real clown show if you haven’t properly goosed your honk or (heaven forbid) your goose isn’t honked at all! That can be a total honkache.
There’s a lot of wonderfully joyous things about being a truck driver, such as sitting really high up and getting a great view of things, smelling like diesel all the time and the comradely way other truck drivers passing by say “Roger” a lot on the radio.
I often get friendly waves from people driving smaller, private vehicles and it’s fun to wave back and imagine they are dressed up like geese who have honked their way home from their southern nesting grounds and now drive a Subaru.
But by far the most bestest thing about driving a big truck is when I get the symbol from kids to honk my Honkilator 9000 Series Deluxe Quadraphonic Silence Eliminator.
When I was in school getting my truck driver’s license, we were taught that it’s mandatory to blow the horn for anyone giving the international sign for horn-honking (which if you don’t know, it’s a vertically pumped fist extended upward from an elbow bent at 90 degrees).
Unless it would cause an unsafe situation for other drivers around you, you must obey the pumped fist of a honking harvester. And boy, I tell ya! It sure is fun to see those kids jump at the sound of my Honkilator 9000 Series Deluxe Quadraphonic Silence Eliminator.
There is no greater feeling than giving a bunch of smiling, laughing children a huge blast of sonic sunshine from my massive double-barreled chrome horns. I’ve even had grown adults give me the sign, and have delighted in doing the same for them.
It’s pretty common knowledge that everyone loves a good honk every now and then, and so for the sake of humanity, have yourself a very honking week!
Honk honk!