Many years ago, a friend of mine wrote an open letter addressed to the desk vandals at the Chicago Public Library.
It was 2003, the dawn of time online, and the humour website McSweeney’s ran a regular series of open letters addressed to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond.
Sadly, nearly all my friend’s advice is unprintable in a family-friendly newspaper. In a tradition that goes back at least to ancient Rome, it turns out that most of the graffiti people wanted to scratch into Chicago library desktops in the early 2000s leaned heavily on genitals jokes and cartoons.
She did recommend that since most people are right-handed and graffiti tends to get clotted up on the right-side of library desks, desk vandals should be more expansive.
“Writing on the left-hand side will not only set your message apart, but will add a pleasing, feng-shui effect to your canvas,” she wrote.
In the B.C. election that didn’t quite wrap last weekend, people saw plenty of graffiti classics.
Bob D’Eith is an MLA candidate with a sense of humour. When someone defaced a large campaign sign of his by blacking out one of the front teeth on his picture, the former hockey coach posed for a photo beside it, grinning like a Broad Street Bully with a hockey stick and gloves.
But who is laughing about the Nathan Cullen sign that got cut up and re-arranged to look like the Smithers politician was dead and hanging from a cord?
Here in North Coast-Haida Gwaii, there was nothing funny either about seeing the hundreds of Chris Sankey brochures that someone stole and dumped on the ground in Prince Rupert.
For a long time, election campaign signs have had a habit of being torn down or taking a walk — a little like property markers. That’s anti-democratic enough, and it costs campaign teams money and time they don’t have.
But coming at a time when people are increasingly nervous about running for public office for fear of violence, the prank on the Cullen sign was seriously chilling.
The only good thing that came of it was that it got roundly condemned by people on all sides of B.C.’s blue-green-orange political fence.
It seems unlikely any election-campaign vandals will ever read this, or respond.
But since you never can tell, here you go:
An open letter to campaign-sign vandals in North Coast-Haida Gwaii
Dear Vandals,
I write in regard to your collective efforts to deface and destroy local campaign signs and literature in the lead-up to B.C.’s 43rd provincial general election.
Over the years, we’ve probably all chuckled at a blacked-out tooth or a pair of big round glasses drawn on the face of an election candidate.
But with this latest stuff, you are seriously scaring people in un-fun ways.
Also, consider that some candidates might actually look smarter with glasses, or tougher with a missing tooth.
Better to avoid other people’s signs altogether and put up some of your own.
Maybe your dog could run? I mean run for office.
Someone already posted a campaign sign for their cat this election. Mr. Bean kept a positive tone, promising “equal opportunity for all Animals.”
But a dog? Think of the smear campaign.
Or why not start your own party? On Haida Gwaii, there’s a pretty obvious opportunity.
The Haida Gwaii Pool Party would run on a single-issue platform of one swimming pool for every village on island. Nevermind about a costed platform, nobody reads those.
I do hope you consider these suggestions, not only because it would be more fun for everyone else, but you too could point to your handiwork next election without fear of getting arrested.
Respectfully,
Andrew Hudson