Dear Annie,
My partner and I have been dating for more than five years. I was using their tablet this week, and a message popped up on their phone from a number I don’t recognize. It simply said, “Have you told him yet?”, nothing more.
I have so many questions and am getting worried that something bad is about to come my way. Told me what? Who is this person? Is my partner cheating on me? Do they have an STD? Are they breaking up with me?
If I say nothing, I think it’ll eat me up inside. If I confront them, I’m worried they’ll deflect by saying I shouldn’t have been reading their messages. What do I do?
Dear Questions for days,
You were surprised to find a message on your partner’s device and worried that it may be some bad news for you. You’ve also been feeling guilty for seeing a message that wasn’t for you, adding to the mix of emotions.
I notice that all of your guesses for the context behind this message lean towards the negative: cheating, leaving, an undisclosed STI. My first question for you: what is leading you to think the worst here? Are you and your partner already on rocky terms? Do you have reason to think they may be doing these things?
The next thing you can do is bring it up with your partner. Find a time when you can be calm and explain how you came across the message. Then give your partner the chance to tell you their side of the story. Try your hardest to let your partner speak their piece without interjecting or adding your thoughts.
When they’ve finished, try summarizing what they’ve said to you and then compare that with the reasons you thought up. You could even extend the conversation to talk about what led you to think up negative reasons for the message you saw.
It’s a hard thing to confront someone about a difficult topic. And you can do it! Sending you all the courage for this conversation.
Big hugs!