Al Capone’s advice to voters was VOTE EARLY AND VOTE OFTEN. I have this printed on a button I wear to the polls, and always go early to vote.
It is hard for me to take politics seriously. I mean, look at the world, the state of it. I have another button that says “DON’T VOTE IT ONLY ENCOURAGES THEM.” Turns out I can’t vote in the Masset Municipal elections because I live outside the village limit, though I don’t recognize limits — but’s that’s for another discussion. I am allowed to run for councillor. As long as I don’t wear a button saying FREE PALESTINE.
Remember the Rhinoceros Party? I voted for them. One of their candidates distributed condoms in Toronto while running under the slogan: “Politicians screw you—protect yourself.”
Each of their elections promises began, “Since the Economy is THE number one priority of the Rhinoceros Party; Since Justice is THE number one priority,” and so on. Since the Environment was THE number one priority, they advocated abolishing it because it was too hard to clean and took up too much space.
Their platforms also included repealing the law of gravity, providing higher education by building taller schools, and making the Trans-Canada Highway a one-way system. They were ahead of their time, as it turned out, suggesting annexing the United States, which would take its place as the third territory (after the Yukon and the Northwest Territories—Nunavut did not yet exist), in order to eliminate foreign control of our natural resources.
Public Safety being THE number one priority of the Rhinoceros Party, their government proposed adopting the British system of driving on the left; this was to be gradually phased in over five years with dump trucks and tractor-trailers first, then buses, eventually cars, and bicycles and wheelchairs last. (They may have been pushing it with the wheelchairs.)
The Rhinoceros Party is an inspirational act to follow. So, I have come up with my own agenda. Should I be elected as a councillor I pledge to appoint a Bear Liasson Officer to negotiate fair and safe garbage-can raiding hours, a Mould Control Bylaw Officer to oversee replacing the municipal tax code with a barter system based entirely on dry firewood. I pledge to establish a Waterslide Park in the present unused tsunami tower across from the high school. And finally, I promise to promote Rain Days (the way other parts of Canada have Snow Days.) Whenever it rains, schools would close. All employees at local businesses could go home, and would still be paid. Where the money would come from to issue their rain cheques, is anybody’s guess. It’s an election promise and we all know politicians make promises they have no idea how to keep.
Finally, I declare that, should be unlucky enough to be elected I would immediately resign and force another election. To quote my favourite party, “We Rhinos think that elections are so much fun, we want to hold them all the time”.