I’ve been called a lot of things in my life. Everything from “acrimonious mustard stain” to “zit-producing anxiety dumpling.”
But never, and I mean never have I been referred to as a brilliant community-oriented business visionary.
That’s soon going to change because I am about to “mic-drop” probably the greatest business venture idea that these hip, hot, happening islands we call home have ever heard.
Ready for this? Drum roll, please…
A four-star hotel/casino – let me finish — with an adjacent F1 racetrack!
Now, before you go all drum-circle on me with cries of, “What about the treeeees!” and “What about the carbon footprint!” and “What the heck is an anxiety dumpling?” let me first give you an overview of the plan and the economic advantages of having such a facility locally.
Imagine a massive concrete pier aggressively pushing out into the Hecate Strait from East Beach, somewhere just south of the Tlell river bridge. I’m thinking 2 or 3 kms long with massive golden banners on incredibly high platinum masts lining a heavily planked boardwalk inlaid with mother-of-pearl directional arrows.
Think large, intimidating neon signs advertising all sorts of gaudy overpriced crap like gelato shaped into local municipal leaders or “Hey! It’s sand-in-can!” The options are endless.
There’d be ferris wheels, roller coasters, go karts, food trucks (we already have several) and live music consisting of stoned 20-somethings fumbling around on barely used name-brand guitars and smelling like clothes that have been worn for waaay too long — a local tradition!
The F1 racetrack would run from Tlell to Port Clements – a single straight line bookended by two insanely tight hairpin turns. Pit stops at Mayer Lake just makes so much sense!
At first you might have concerns about building a tacky and imposing concrete tourist structure like this along our beautiful underdeveloped coastline.
You might ask yourself whether something like this might impede regular “day to day” life on Haida Gwaii? And I would answer no because I would be sitting just outside your room listening to you asking yourself that — but not in a creepy way, just in a “I can help you with that!” kind of way.
I would argue that something like this is exactly what regular “day to day” Haida Gwaii life needs.
Eventual participation in the annual F1 circuit would be the ultimate goal. The stamp of arrival proclaiming to the world, “Hey world! Look at us! We’ve arrived!”
History rich in Haida culture and tradition? Check!
Beautiful nature coming out the whazoo? Check!
More yoga instructors and marine biologists than a special airing of the View Live from SeaWorld? Check!
Except now, we would have the ultimate measure of worth on a planet hurtling towards climate catastrophe — an event attended by the very people who can save us!
The whole scene would be like The Edge of The World Music Festival but way more seedy and even more globally influential.
What will it do for our local economy? I think it’s pretty safe to say that it will be positive. Gambling is obviously good for communities, families and employment or else our government wouldn’t be in the business of it. Am I right?
Besides, every F1 race I’ve ever watched was full of people looking happy and rich – exactly the way I want to feel! And I’m quite certain most of you will, too.