Being the thrifty sort, I prefer to save my money rather than waste it on things like fancy speaker systems and music libraries. Instead, I invest it in more sensible things, like doughnuts and used toques. But what if I decide to throw a party? How will I provide music for people to dance to while they eat my doughnuts and try on my different toques? By phoning the government, of course! And then, when I am put on hold, I put the music on loudspeaker and watch as everyone leaves, allowing me to eat all the doughnuts by myself. The music lasts for hours and often rips off favourite licks from some of the world’s best medieval folk rock and German reggae bands.
But there is a darker side to this incredible life hack. At some point, the music stops, and you are forced to actually communicate with a federal employee, and the inevitable question arises: Am I speaking with a robot or an employee of our federal government (and what’s the difference)?
In fact, the issue of whether or not one is talking with something or someone who may or may not be a robot is more prevalent than just over the phone lines of our government offices. More and more, we find ourselves in situations where we are likely talking to a non-human without even being aware of it. Dating apps, online shopping and social media are all examples of technical arenas that are cashing in on this fast-developing technology.
Up until quite recently, the standard for determining the humanness of the other end of a conversation was the Turing test. One could easily tell if one was talking to a robot by simply asking it questions that only a human could answer. Questions like, “What is love?” or “Should Maple Leaf fans be put in an insane asylum?” But now, with advancements made in AI and the gradual decline in intonation used by federal employees, this test has become obsolete, and a new standard of determinism is required.
But do not give up hope. There are still some tells left that will provide you with concrete evidence that you are indeed speaking with a computer bot and not a human. Small nuances in speech that, if identified, can put your mind at ease and allow you to shove another two or three doughnuts into that hungry mouth of yours.
And so, in the vein of the 12 days of Christmas, I present to you the 12 things that humans would never say. If you hear any of these statements during a conversation, be aware that you are speaking to a non-human and you should try to refrain from telling it anything personal about yourself, like how many doughnuts you just had for breakfast (nine) or where you buried your money.
1. People from Sandspit are so boring!
2. Who’s Taylor Swift?
3. Politicians are relatable people who really care about us!
4. Why would I drive my car when I can just walk?
5. I don’t know what I love more, British people or their food.
6. I tried the sweet and sour pork from J&T’s, but I didn’t like it.
7. There needs to be more white pickup trucks on Haida Gwaii.
8. I love how dark it is here in the winter.
9. Man, those Germans are hilarious!
10. That guy’s junk must be huge! Look at the size of his truck!
11. I’ll take my steak well done, please.
12. I moved to Haida Gwaii for the fine selection of novelty shops and Mexican food.
Merry Christmas, everyone!