The answer to the above question is an emphatic no. Absolutely not. No way. There isn’t a snowball’s chance in Hades that the G7 Summit will take place on Haida Gwaii next year. But what if it did?
You might think that the idea of the G7 Summit coming to Haida Gwaii is a completely absurd suggestion until you understand two things: (1) nothing is impossible in this world if you just put your mind to it and get everyone chipping in to make the impossible possible; and (2) I have no idea what the heck the G7 Summit even is or what they do there. I mean, it’s a summit and we have mountains. Besides a hugely overpriced table, what else is required? (I’m going to quickly Google it so I don’t seem as dumb as I really am.)
I suppose it’s immature of me to not know anything about the G7, but I’ve just never been one of those nerdy types who “read books” or “strive to understand global politics in an effort to broaden my connection to the world.” I’ve always been more of a “can’t find what I’m looking for in the fridge even though it’s right there in front of me,” or “likes any beer with the word ‘ice’ in its slogan” type of guy.
So basically, I’m the patriarchy. And as the patriarchy, I like to suggest weirdly inappropriate ideas that cost massive amounts of taxpayer money and benefit no one except other mostly patriarchal types.
Which brings us back to the question: what if we hosted a G7 summit?
The first order of business would be to improve our airport’s capacity to handle more traffic. Since climate change is one of the topics discussed at these things, you know that everyone attending will be arriving in their own private airplanes (as one does when attending anything about lowering carbon emissions). We’d also have to increase our ability to house visitors, because apparently for every invitee to the summit, an entourage of at least 150 people is required.
These people mostly stand around sipping thousands of dollars’ worth of booze and nibbling exotic and expensive appies provided by Michelin-starred chefs while discussing things like “what to do about poor people” and “is my Botox leaking?”
But surely these are manageable obstacles, and once solved, all the economic windfalls associated with hosting such an event could be ours. All we have to do is apply. I think. Maybe it would go something like this:
Me (on the phone): Hello, G7?
G7 (a velvety, treasonous voice): Yes, this is G7.
Me: We want to host one of those summit things you do.
G7: Who is this?
Me: It’s me! Chris! From Haida Gwaii.
G7: Turn your camera on.
Me: Oh, don’t make me do that. I’m still in bed. I look terrible. I had chocolate cake for dinner.
G7: Chocolate cake!
Me: Don’t judge me. I haven’t gone grocery shopping.
G7: I have no idea who you are. How did you get this number?
Me: Shoot, I gotta go. My cat wants out. Get at me!
(click)
So who knows. Maybe that’s all it takes. I’ll give it a shot later when I’ve had a shower and I’m not so covered in chocolate cake. And I know I probably shouldn’t book this thing without checking with everyone first as to whether we actually want it or not, but as I mentioned earlier, I’m kind of the patriarchy and I like to do things without any regard for how it might affect others.
