Good morning. I know that for those of you who read this column, you have come to expect either something funny, something not funny but desperately trying to be so, or something just plain weird. This week though, I would like to veer away from that formula and try to tackle what I believe to be a very serious issue for everybody who calls Haida Gwaii home. It’s a subject charged with tension and it’s polarizing nature only furthers my resolve to address it in such a way as to hopefully provide some clarification to it’s origins, it’s ongoing negative impact to everyone and perhaps some key points as to how to overcome this problem that is weakening our solidarity and affecting our ability to move forward as a healthy, supportive society. If you haven’t guessed by now, I’m talking about….Hang on, gotta an eyelash or something distracting me.
One sec. Ill just flick it off my face here and then I’ll get back to what I was talking about.
I keep trying to grab it but I can’t…seem…to….get…it. Ha ha ha. This is so distracting. I mean, I can see it. It’s right there on my…nose? Nope. On my cheek? Nope. Oh man! It’s like right there! I can see it! K. I’ll try again. I mean, it’s right there!
Damn it! What’s with this thing!! I can see it out of the corner of my eye. This one little hair just flapping around in the breeze. It’s so annoying! I’m just going to violently rub my whole face with my hand. That should take care of it.
Are you kidding me?! That didn’t get it!!?? What the heck man! I can see it! It’s right there!! It’s got to be either on my cheek! Nose! Just below my eye! There is literally nowhere else this little piece of crap hair could be! I mean I’M LOOKING RIGHT AT IT! Hang on. I’m just gonna grab a towel and wipe my whole face. This thing is starting to distract the cheese whiz outta me.
WTF!!! Seriously!!? Is this thing from another freaking dimension or what!!?? What is up with this hair! Is it crazy glued to my freaking face or what!!?? Did someone seriously sneak into my house last night and crazy glue a freaking piece of indestructible fake titanium hair to my face when I was sleeping! What is the freaking deal with this thing?
Ok, ok. I’m calming down. It’s just a hair Chris, it’s just a hair. *Deep breath. Ok. I’m gonna try again. I’m looking at it right now with my right eye. It’s just a little wispy hair and it’s right there….gonna grab it…slowly pinching with my fingers…closing…closing…closing….nothing! No worries. Trying again! Closing…closing…closing…NOTHING!! I am so close to losing it right now. I swear it’s like to trying to pinch a shadow or something. I can see it, I just can’t get it. One more time. Here we go. Fingers approaching. (Squinting eyes for better focus.) It’s right there. My finger just brushed it!! I definitely saw it move from being ever so slightly brushed by my finger. I’m obviously in the right facial district. Closing fingers…closing fingers…Ha! I think I have it! Sharp tug! And…..Bingpot! I got it!!! I GOT IT!!! I definitely felt that familiar sharp prick from pulling out a rouge hair. Oh my god! The satisfaction!!
Wait a sec…wait a sec…FFS! Are you kidding me right now?! It’s still there. This is just unbelievable. I swear to all that is holy…this hair is DEAD MEAT!!
OK hair. You asked for it. No more Mr. Nice Guy. I am coming for you with a whole world of pain. You’re gonna wish you never left home and started squatting on my face. Say hello to my little friend! The electric razor!! You’re dead, hair.
Shaving whole face. Shaving whole head. Showering with Nair. Blow torching face, head, neck, upper torso. Acid shower. Loofahing face. Looking….looking..looking…
ARE YOU FU…..
