Jalopyism is not only hard to spell, it’s not even a real word. But if you think that’s going to stop me from teaching you about it, then you’re not only wrong, you’re jalopified.
Simply put, Jalopyism is a brand-new religion I made up this morning while eating my Frosted Flakes™. It tries to explain things using what we understand about the physical world while eschewing old religious concepts like crusades, crucifixions, jihads, door-to-door solicitation, or getting up way too early on Sundays.
I’ve always said that spirituality is what we feel, whereas religion is why we feel it. Religion’s purpose is to answer questions like:
“What is the point of being good?”
“Why is there something instead of nothing?”
And “Why do they call it wine when it’s obviously just grape juice?”
Jalopyism aims to answer these questions without the hate, vitriol and weird old songs that older religions tend to rely on.
Jalopyism draws on some physics and some metaphysics (physics that can’t be directly tested because our technology isn’t advanced enough). It borrows and builds on concepts from Einstein’s special theory of relativity, the Standard Model of particle physics, string theory, Cantor’s work on set theory, the philosophy of the infinite, and the gas mileage of my 2005 GMC Sierra (4WD).
Together, these concepts shape a world where being a good person has meaning, not just for the individual and not even just for all humans on Earth, but for the entire physical universe and whatever lies beyond.
Much like Buddhism, it demonstrates that we are all a singular consciousness, split apart by the intense energy created during the Big Bang and, later, the great inflationary period (not the one created by Trudeau). It operates under the assumption that we exist in 11 dimensions, not just the four we’ve currently accounted for.
Jalopyism states that I am as much a part of you as you are a part of me. It describes a world where life does not end and death is not final. Instead, birth and death are merely the front and back covers of a book that can be read many times over. The story never changes, but once read, it exists forever as a real thing, a moment in time, where time is just a physical part of the universe.
Simplified, this means you should be careful how you live your life, because once that story has been read, it can’t be unread, even by the author of that story (you).
Jalopyism even discusses the eventual “death” of the universe, and how even that is merely an unraveling of the great knot of existence that is “being.” It explores how infinite time is bound by the eventual collapse of its dimension into something more tangible and comprehensive, the fifth dimension.
But perhaps the most important aspect of Jalopyism is this: within the deepest depths of its doctrine, Jalopyism tells me that even though I ate a whole bag of salt and vinegar chips last night and woke up with my mouth feeling like I gargled with razor blades, I can be an absolute unit and eat my other bag of salt and vinegar chips today, without the unbridled guilt I might feel with those other, less chip-friendly religions of the past.
In the Jalopyist Handbook (not yet written, but existing word for word in my mind), it speaks eloquently on the subject of salty foods:
“Thou shalt be no less a part of the whole even when you’re being a total doofus and eating foods that are way too salty for someone over 50.”
Amen.
