(If you sang the title of this column to the tune of “Barbie Girl” by the acclaimed Danish-Norwegian Europop band Aqua, then you are correct and receive one point. If you collect all 10 points, then you will receive, free of charge, one random piece of string.)
You know, I had this really great column all planned out for this week, and I was going to go on about microplastics and how they get a really bad rap from the media and their paid network of “scientists.” I was going to write about how they’re actually a trove of untapped potential floating around in our bodies. A misunderstood minefield of riches. I was going to explain how if we all just swallowed very small 3D printing machines, we could be pooping out inflatable hot tubs by Christmas and that my hot tub would arrive fully inflated if I gorged on hummus and avocados for a week (although highly flammable). I even had a nifty title, which I kept because I was so proud of it.
But something much more important came up, not just to me, but perhaps the entire human race. Something I really think needs to be brought up and talked about.
If you haven’t already guessed, I’m talking about the highly erotic picture of green beans on the facade of the Skidegate Coop grocery store, which, in horror, I saw as I drove past on my way home from work the other day. This blatant sexualization of our vegetables has to stop! It’s highly irresponsible to put images of green beans in such suggestive states in such a highly visible location as this. I mean, people from Port might see it! And what then!?
I get it. We live in a society that is progressing, where we can redefine what is acceptable and unacceptable and become more tolerant of the increasingly different types of people, beliefs and traditions that make up our cultural fabric. I am completely on board with this. But when I see a highly vulnerable green bean being forced into what I consider to be more of a beet or cauliflower-like situation, I feel I have to put my foot down and say something!
And where does all this lead? Baskets of bananas, peeled and placed provocatively next to an pyramid of navel oranges? Could you even imagine?! Our ancestors would be grabbing their brassicas and running for their hilled potatoes! Now, maybe, if this is an aspect of some cultural tenet that I’m not familiar with, then I apologize.
Perhaps I should be more understanding of the symbolism of provocative perishables. But in the vein of cohabitation couldn’t there be a compromise to appease those of us not accustomed to the flagrant flaunting of bawdy beans?
For example, maybe we could have a section within the store, hidden by some walls of cereal and Old El Paso taco dinner kits where our vegetables could be displayed in any carnal capacity imaginable -free from the inquisitive eyes and minds of small children and puritanical truck drivers. Sort of like that section in Blockbuster Video we all wanted to go check out but were too nervous to do so. We could even hang a sign in front of the section that says “Vegetables piled unsexually inside” but with a wink emoji next to it so people would “know” and could make up their own minds.
What if we just worked a little harder to ensure that those of us who are not comfortable seeing a head of iceberg lettuce with it’s leaves scantily falling from it’s head next to a splayed spaghetti squash don’t have to if we don’t want to. Would that be so difficult?
And if it is so difficult, what kind of world are we leaving for our future pastas?