Last week, after a long day of showering (which I do once a month to soften my toenails for easier harvesting), I happened to glance over at my steamed-up computer screen and notice that I had a new email.
And since it wasn’t one of those usual Viagra promotional offers or a notice of inheritance from a long-lost relative, I decided to throw caution to the wind, close the “How to cook breakfast cereal” YouTube video I was watching while showering and actually open the email, viruses be damned!
What I found was a note from one of Haida Gwaii’s premier power couples with a subtle suggestion for a column they thought I might like to write.
Now, it’s not often that people write to me with column suggestions, but when they do, I always react in a way that I imagine any humble hobbyist scribe might when a faithful reader reaches out to show their appreciation by proposing prospective plot panaceas.
“How dare you!” I said. (And yes, I do put on my pig-tailed wig whenever I say those words.)
My immediate thoughts were, What am I? Some sort of peon of propaganda placed on this planet for your power-coupling amusement?
Do you think that just because you gallivant around Haida Gwaii “power coupling” your way into the craniums of us lowly regular people that you can just co-opt our minds to manifest your cruel and unusual bidding?
Do you seriously believe that my tiny little brain is not already crammed full of column ideas such that I would need to resort to selling out my creative senses just to satisfy your egotistical, power-coupling need to influence every aspect of Haida Gwaii life?
Well… yes. Sure. But I do it begrudgingly, not because I need the money (I do), but because I want to get invited to cool parties and maybe sucking up to Haida Gwaii’s numero uno Power Couple is perchance the best way to do that.
So, without further ado, I present to you suggestions to correct Nature’s hideous attempt at beauty through various cosmetic alterations to Haida Gwaii!
We are all well aware of the debacle of scenery here on Haida Gwaii, with its mono-coloured forests and ocean (seriously nature, there are more colours in the spectrum than green and blue!). Not to mention its boring skyline of mountainous peaks, identical-looking trees and boring beaches.
Perhaps it is time for us humans to teach nature a thing or two about what beauty really is.
The Power Couple who emailed me suggested that a bit of rhinoplasty on Sleeping Beauty could really turn it into a world-class destination. (Ugh, so judgmental!)
But I think there’s more we could do.For starters, how about liposuction for the pontoons? They have looked hideously obese lately, what with the rain and the non-stop diet of elk.
And how about some frosted tips for our forests to give them a little more “Guy Fieri” pizazz! Our beaches could use a healthy dose of electrolysis to clear up those unsightly blemishes we call driftwood and agates (Eww, agates! Gross!)
Why stop with the inanimate? Some of our local fauna could certainly use a makeover.
We could put big hipster beards on the deer, or Brazilian wax our black bears. So hot! Let’s get rid of the dark circles under the eyes of the raccoons (they must work so tirelessly) and put a little rouge on those steelhead.
The point of all this is not just to appease those readers with power and prestige, but to remind ourselves that nature is kind of an idiot when it comes to making things look nice.
That’s what humans and more importantly, influencers are for. Let’s not be afraid to stand up to nature and let her know that we won’t stand for this lackadaisical, countryside cacophony she’s been pawning off on us for too long!
Let’s get out there and wax a bear in the name of… (checks notes)… selling out for party invites!