As someone who considers themselves a bit of a health guru, I can say with confidence that self-inflicted torture exercise is incredibly important for a long and boring life.
For example, when I don’t exercise, I have such a hard time putting on pants in the morning that I wonder if it’s even worth bothering to put pants on at all. This adversely affects my journey up the corporate ladder, which means I need to buy another ladder. Which is expensive.
So believe me, getting a little exercise in during the day is a good thing for you and your bank account, and not just something doctors tell us to make themselves feel like they have friends.
“But what is the right exercise for me?” you may ask yourself as you shovel Froot Loops into your mouth while sitting in the bath.
That is a great question as not everyone can handle the same levels of stress on the body that exercise can incur.
Whether you are the “run 10 kilometers a day cuz I’m a freak of nature and no one likes me” type, or the more relatable “try to touch your toes without sweating too much” type, exercise is an important part of any pre-brunch appetizer routine.
So let’s go over a few exercise options for the typical Haida Gwaiian’s fitness level.
For those of you who consider “fitness” an example of hate speech, I suggest starting out small with an exercise I like to call “dramatic hand-gesturing.”
This can be done anytime you are talking to someone. Just wave your hands around wildly while discussing topics with friends.
I find politics, bad drivers, and DG’s Northern Savings Credit Union are fine examples of things to discuss to get those hands really moving. Lots of spittle coming from your mouth is a good indication that you are doing “dramatic hand gesturing” correctly.
Another great exercise for you non-pants wearers out there is the classic “stacking of firewood.”
This exercise involves getting someone else to stack your firewood for you (preferably an intimate partner), and then telling them they did it wrong.
The heated argument that ensues is sure to burn a few excess calories. (It’s also an excellent opportunity for more “dramatic hand gesturing!”)
Moving up the level-of-fitness scale, another fine exercise you can do is called “sleeping in.” This is about as simple as it sounds.
Science once told me that when we sleep, we are still burning calories and since we don’t eat while we sleep (well, not usually — that one time with the lasagna was a real one-off).
Sleeping in will burn more calories than you consume, which according to science is, technically, exercise.
The beauty of this is the longer you sleep in, the more likely you will have a “dramatic hand-gesturing” type conversation with your intimate partner who has been up since 6 a.m. stacking firewood for you.
Don’t forget that mouth spittle!
Finally, for those of you who feel pretty jacked and are looking for something a little more challenging, I suggest the gold standard of exercise: “Having Kids.”
Having kids is akin to running 100 marathons in a row while someone constantly beats you over the head with a meal that you spent hours lovingly making for them because “they don’t eat that particular vegetable anymore.”
It’s tough, rough, and will make you puff. But beware this exercise can have some serious side effects if you aren’t diligent. Side effects include exhaustion, depression, self-doubt and bankruptcy.
Again, be careful cuz “having kids” is a real commitment, which is why I’m so thankful that I’m only healthy enough to gesture wildly with my hands while discussing them.