Do you listen to your own inner voice? Not the voice that tells you did it wrong, not the one that wonders why you said that silly thing, not the one that says it’s never enough. I’m talking about your own voice. The voice that already knows everything there is to know about you—all that you know, and all that you will know.
I am currently on assignment in Costa Rica. By the time you read this, I will be back home on Haida Gwaii, breathing in our fresh salty air, the fecund humidity of this place lingering only in olfactory memory.
Okay, not really on assignment. The budget of Haida Gwaii Newspaper doesn’t stretch that far. But I am in Costa Rica on my own mission—the mission that countless others have accepted—the mission of connection to self and universe.
They are everywhere here—the people wearing their linen and crocheted clothes, all looking beautifully tanned. Shoes are a rarity, and yoga studios frequent. Everyone gathers on the beach for the sunset. Smiles are plenty, and a sense of calm serenity permeates everything.
I remember the first time that I came to Haida Gwaii, in 2005. I was struck by a similar sense of calm connectedness. It was a feeling that I hadn’t had in so long, living the student life in downtown Montreal. Always racing from one frozen street corner to the next, cramming for an assignment or exam, inhabiting the exciting noisy spaces of Montreal’s clubs and bars.
It was a vibrant and busy life. Haida Gwaii offered an enticing alternative. A different pace, fresher air, the honour of witnessing the most beautiful remembering of the Haida Ways of Being, and inhabiting the exciting and (sometimes) noisy spaces of bonfires and potluck dinners.
Nearly 20 years later—a house built, a career developed, two kids had, and major relationship transformations in motion—that sense of calm serenity was feeling more and more fleeting, supplanted by anxious moments and big feelings.
So I came to Costa Rica to meet the women of the Loving Challengers Online group I’ve been a part of since last July. I had met a few of them in real life, but so much more awaited.
I will say ecstatic dance, a sound bath, and a breathwork ceremony were all part of the experience. As was a mushroom trip. It was about as hippy-dippy as you might imagine. And beautiful, and warm, with delicious food and interesting birds.
During the mushroom trip, I found myself being guided by a knowing voice. She told me when to lie down. When to sit up. When to not look in the mirror. She showed me things about my past, my present, and my future. And she was sarcastic, human, and humorous.
At one point, I said to her, “I’m so glad your voice sounds like my voice.”
To which she replied, “Who’s f’n voice did you think it would be?”
Yes, it was as funny as it sounds. But the message was deeply personal. I haven’t been listening to my voice. I’ve been listening to all the voices that I think I should listen to. And now I’m going to not only listen to, but trust, my own voice. And I recommend you do the same.
Mushrooms and a trip to Costa Rica are not required.